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I lay on my carpet last night reflecting on all you have done for me and swelled with love. The images in my mind, sweet as they are, all point to you- watching quietly and patiently from your wintery northern kingdom. What have I done to show you how much it means? I shall unravel the tapestry of my latest happiness, thread by thread, so that you can share my joy.  Gifts of joy….. surely there is nothing greater… which, says alot about those who give it.

We spoke of meeting in a flower field and what it would be like to not meet at all. I mailed you a letter yesterday and want to do it again today…. this evening… when I am home again reflecting on how lucky I am because I know you. Because you know I exist. Because I have meaning to you. Sometimes at night, I feel my hard bed shaking with little earthquakes. It reminds me that death ever courts our physical existence, planted firmly in each moment is the possibility of non-existence. I laugh a little at the thought, only because I must, scenes of dark despair and violence ever creeping into my mind….. I don’t know where it comes from… everywhere all the time? How I drink in the pleasure of simple moments. I cup them to my mouth and sip, relishing.

Light on the wall, reflecting, dancing like a gypsy…. where are you going to? Entrancing movement, like a firefly…. a watching delight…. but, what is real? Will you be? Will you be real to me? Real as the salt of earth, real as real can be? The minutes are passing slowly and I am caught is some kind of fevered dream, hardly in my body at all. Drifting, weightless…. I am in all places at once, smiling at the terrible beauty of our world. Lives led in ignorance and lives lived in awareness, conscious of all that works alongside us…. the invisible fingers of physics, string theories of violet light vibrating harmony to our thoughts, actions, words….. trembling…. with all that we are and would be. Mini movers, making manifestations, possibility pushers, the minutia of creation.

A child  never stops seeking. Querying with a curious mind and suspending judgement of that which is not understood. The answers are not the end, they are Hansel and Gretel’s breadcrumbs along the path the of  discovery…. never stop wandering through the wilderness of your own soul. If you are ever truly lost, walk in the moonlight awhile and find your direction by the stars. You’ll know where you fit in, under their wide bright gaze. But, the sun bound earth is a paradise…. even when soaked in blood and rank with loneliness. Our bodies are a gift and all of nature is the bounty for which we were born. I pray that I use my body well, honoring it with the fruits of the earth, and in its many expressions- may you find some pleasure there.

;;ppoo–989

It was dawn. The sky hung with velvety gray curtains broken by the hazy golden light of the sun… blue and violet where the mountains rise in the distance. The trees bore delicate white blossoms, heralding Spring and they seemed to me like the lacy sleeves of a courtesan or Dionysian temple priestess, dancing half nude in the tender morning. The air was a boon from my long sleep, saturated with fragrance and dew, breathing in its fresh sweetness I strode along, stopping to touch the flowers and wish good morning to the crows.

What a precious morning… I went over the priorities of my day but, something was laughing inside. It was glee and she was falling over giddy and golden inside of me. I smiled back at her, knowing…. oh, yes! We have so much to enjoy! But, first I’ll go to work and then to a charity appointment and then to the gym and then clean and then and then…. I have a visitor. Whatever will come of this? The unknown fell over, rolling in laughter near to tears and I just smiled and hoped for the best.

All of the little delicacies I love so are regaling me…. tea rose oil, lavendar scones, lemon tea, orange blossom honey, dresses, fresh flowers, Italian pastries, fine linens, and jewlery….. thoughts of Morrocco and Bangladesh… Tibetan monks in their mountaintop monastaries…. flamenco dancers in Seville and the marionette shows of Prague….. rainforests full of tiny monkeys and glass green houses with tea parties and parrots. Everything I love is at hand, as if the year is going to unroll like a big carpet and I will enjoy taking every step. So many things to enjoy, to do….. in company, for a change…… yes, I think with company would be nice this time.

The lights soared again and the crows were talking to each other from different building tops as I did an about face and began walking back down the sidewalk. Someone had recently blown their brains out on that sidewalk, not even 2 weeks ago, 25 years old…. shotgun to the jaw while reclining on the hood of his car, apparently. I wondered if the crows….. they said it took 5 hours just to clean up the brain matter. Was his soul trapped now? Was he walking next to me as I strolled along with my head in the clouds? Death is always just a shade away- so close, so dear, so dark. I blew the blooms on the trees more kisses…. sweet presence…. manifested joy… you are the lacy light of my morning. Your existence makes life that much sweeter and I shall give thanks and savor every small detail of your gift because of it.

Gratitude

My angel….. where do I begin? With a scream of joy?

Elation that you are different…..

Unconditional love with no contracts,

Noble, fair, magnificent…. I am discovering who you really are

You pour over with your love until my heart is soft again

And overflows to meet you with my gratitude.

It’s true, isn’t it? That we made a pact in Heaven

to recognize the other, in the beginning of the end of days.

When the forces tear back and forth, stronger and stronger

Shadow and starlight…. love and the absence of…..

Your hand reached out and I caught it.

Now, I will dance through the wrath because I know for certain

That angels walk among us…. and hope is never lost.

Because you exist, I know this is true.

Because you exist, I know love and gratitude as honey on my tongue.

And your care, words, actions…. and quiet love… are everything to me.

I am purged of sorrow, purged of the black night inside my soul.

Because you are the light of God in human form and I see…

I see…

Under the covers

It was New Year’s day, living under a pile of psychedelic vintage robes and blankets on my bed, that I tried collecting myself. Sorting out all of the demands and tirades from New Year’s eve…. limos to and from L.A., covert planes to Vegas, the lust and anger, betrayal between friends, the decadence, demands for sex, jealousy driving men mad….. sinking into my bed, I let the doors close and watched the storm swirl around me like a tornado, unable to shut my eyes. New Year’s day, I am far away, hiding and hidden, safe in my bed….. and in my quest for comfort, I pleasure myself with your phantom.  All spirit, your image becomes real kissing me…. touching me, pleasing me, under these bright layers… my comfort in the afternoon.

Naked as a child, am I your secret pleasure too? In the quiet, when no one else is there? Am I your spirit lover, hovering over, molding my body to yours, like a spoon? Keep me removed from all the madness…. cup me in your hands like water and drink me in, where I’ll be safe, in your mouth, living between your lips. And under the blankets, make me yours, so that no other dare rip away all the precious dreams I dream, when I think of how we will lay….. side by side…. the books on the floor talked to me through the night (so alone) of Hopi Witchcraft, The Freedom Writer’s Diary, Kabul Beauty School, Good Mood Diet, Letters from the Hive, How Indians Use Wild Plants, and Crash Course in Love. But, now the books are silent, so fill me up with the visions of your love…. running your hands over me for hours, feelings the curves of my body until they are committed to memory. Showing me how to touch you there… and there… and there…. you are like a statue. Carved out of stone, your body is so unlike mine, I trace you in awe with my fingers…. unable to look away.

Will you press against me, so strong, stronger than me, so that I cannot get away from you? And would never want to? Bend me and break me and punish me when I’ve been bad…. tell me all the things you want me to do to you. Show me why there will never be another man for me, because when you are inside, I am as close to God, as I’ll ever be. Moving me with your masculine force, touching me with tenderness while falling into the vortex of my blue-green eyes….. capsized….. the world turns upside down like a carnival ride just for angels…. turning in the 5th dimension where the souls of stars are born. I’ll believe anything you tell me. I’ll be all that you want me to be. Sweet, demure, simple and calm….. I’ll be your darling in pink, for you to dote upon. And when the tigress comes out and the wild is high, you can just sit back and enjoy the crazy, crazy ride.

But, don’t let me out of your sight, not for even a minute…. because the wolves are out…. and I’m counting on you. Tell me what a good girl I am and keep me on a short leash…. yes, I’ll be your everything, everything, everything between the sheets. Loving you, as you love me, over and over again…. loving each other for hours on end….. until there is no break in ecstasy. I feel your breath blowing hot across my flesh, your arms binding me tight, your erection deep inside. Hold me close and don’t let go…. be here now. I am calling you…. do you hear?

Come to me and make it so…. be my dream come true tonight.

Forgive me

Don’t be angry with me, my love…. it would be impossible to explain to you all of the things that I am and feel. Would you have an ear to lend, or the time to give me anyway? No one can fault you for choosing what to hold dear to your heart… and you most certainly cannot fault me for choosing to hold you, close to my heart. There are degrees of love, which live only in the outside world, the world of Earth and men…. living divided by differences and importance. These degrees, squeeze in between, everything you think you are, what little you know of me, and all of the things racing in our minds telling us what we must be, and the steps we must take to get there. Deep inside, where your wisdom rests like a vigilant king, ever watching- you must know that my love will never cease. I will always love you. I will love you through your faults, your distance, and even the pain you cause me sometimes. Because the wise queen within me, is unmoved by these petty distractions which threaten to destroy my happiness. Yes, I fight them. Yes, I’ll even fight you when you hurt me…. but, I will always love you. Because the truth is- despite the rain and storms, which tear us away from each other, I’ll never be far from you, in my heart of hearts. The part that does not die and guides me through the dark night…. you are there, too. Should we meet again, face to face, do not fault me for loving you or fighting you when you hurt me. Because I am only human on the outside, but inside, I will always be your wise queen…. deeply and sincerely holding your best interests to my heart. Wishing you, the greatest experience of love, however you choose…

Foiled again

Silver and green,

Christmas day raised it’s head,

wearing an unfamiliar black stare,

cobra in the grass

the midnight bite released a bitter poison,

so bitter, slow, and strange… menace in my veins

making the minutes pass like shadow lost in Limbo.

Drunk on the very soul of sorrow,

twisted and torn, the shards of wine bottle tops

scatter over my marble dressing table and I

heard myself scream silently, agonized…

on the highway where I was driving nowhere,

tears running down my face,

In shock and struck to the core…

Where before I soared, new again……

Now gone and banished.

Your illusion and light, extinguished.

Dead to each other,

so dies the love of one more pair of lovers….

False promises and foul words-

Scrubbed clean of my warm poetry,

by the ugliness of your ego and bite of cold disrespect…

Now I’m numb as a candlestick, gone dark.

Relinquished to the attic of my heart,

where all the forgotten things live….

like the love I had to give you.

See me dancing with the fantasy of,

your presence?

your showing up?

your caring, sharing, and love?

Twists of the foil…..

Black, silver, and green……

the red wine pours in my little room…..

my tears shake, my mind black

and I turn into an old woman, forgotten

On Christmas.

Ever After

It was the fight versus the ease….

The sun against the dark mean storm.

Tears to the winter tease… of steering clear or nearing near (to you?)

But, what does it matter? The romance, the sex, the excitement…..

When death of spirit is at hand?

Hacking away with micro-management, the hours and the days

of control, of objectivity, hatred of women disguised with lust for legs

Mother calls me a harlot,

and the plastic snowmen screech falsetto Christmas carols….

in a McDonalds at midnight on Western Avenue

playing along with the lies and laziness of defunct men, drunk

jacking off to images with ill-intentions and no real direction

the lack of lovely hit me as I drove through the rain

sobbing for the lack… lack of it all.…

stark realizations in Korea-town

real as a Mexican in a black neighborhood

Mississippi soul food and Snooty Fox Motel

real as the crackhead with a backpack in only a nightgown

I am just a nothing

Just a figure passing through

Faces coming out of the rain

Morrison sang on the radio

When you’re a stranger, people are strange

And he was right.

Black night in Los Angeles.

Windshield wipers, swish swash…. static on the line.

T’was a black heart…. so proud… like a tinsel float on the 4th of July

I had a fight within me… but…

It died drowning in paint and ruffles.

It died fighting against closed doors and egos.

It died struggling to be a light in a Hollywood alley.

(Like so many before?)

And the rain and the rules sought to quaff the embers….

Yet, I still live.

Yea…… I still breathe.

Revived and reminded by the upward spirals of a child’s Disney flick…

portrait of the magic of Christmas…. and selflessness.

I am not a body.

I am a spirit.

I am a love.

And you cannot kill me.

Chaplin’s Secret

Removing all my layers,

clothes to the floor,

1, the shirt

2, the skirt

3, the bra

…… and 4?

In Charlie Chaplin’s bungalow

you ran your hands over me,

curvy like a tall Marilyn.

I moved against you, breast to hip,

like a river high with desire,

coursing strong and coming fast.

Your hands between my legs, moving like a sin…

and the kisses never stopped, nipples wet with your lips…

Oh, you control my all….

By the Hollywood sign, for the first time, we saw

the full spectrum above. The skies shook and moaned, incandescent

I, transformed with your touch, like clouds against the sun.

The colors are so bright, this new inner sight makes me wonder

have I been blind until now?

You are the torch which burns within me,

Flickering and steady with the bright teasing tongue of Kundalini,

Yes, I swell at the thought,

shuddering with everything I am to be with you.

Bending beyond, even the confines of this body…

which, I will give you again and again.

Until the worlds outside fall into one another,

united and made sacred with the sounds of our lovemaking.

)))))))))

You were the quiet and I was the storm

thrashing, trashing every thing I know

I called you mountain and you called me hurricane

unpredictable and moving with the elements,

even your smell awakes me in the middle of the night

cooking sausages at 4am, the insomniatic patriarch destroyed my day

oppressed and without sleep,

I wept over dead rats and squirrels, left for me by the wild

stray cat, prowling and professing her love of my milk

which, I pour on the patio, tokens of love, the milk and the blood,

to and from, we have an understanding.

and the mad scientist who I was so most surely so going to meet

we left off, tapering… through the long week until the fire could

meet us both in our glasses on Friday next

for my dark mood was uncompromising

and the wine rushed in to meet me,

to soothe me down to my red socks

you go back and forth….

or is that me?

questioning the motives of the sex you want and need?

versus the love I feel, the love I deal like cards on the table

Queen of the Temporary? Is that all?

Is it just for the moments of lust or,

will you take me for serious and not for granted?

Do you know what I am?

I am the deep well, the Heaven and the Hell

of human experience, of your experience, of my……

recognize.

Pray, are you the fool who drags his feet?

Trying to reason with the weather…..?

You must meet decide to meet me,

with every part of yourself… as I do you.

Or damn you and die hiding,

like the cat’s slain rats, rotting in your own small fear.

Tokens of love, the milk and the blood, we have an understanding.

I am touching you.

Are you touching me?

I can see you.

Can you see me?

You do. I know it. Like no other, so clearly.

Facing you after so much has passed between….

time, lives, bottles, and open highways…..

Eyes blink. I face you and my destiny.

And I twirl my hair nervously

not knowing what I say.

Words? You smile again and my heart races.

(coloring me pink and pinker in all places)

I squirm and squeal like a young girl,

unable to stop myself from blushing louder.

You are so calm…. so serene…. so….

You are like another language

And I….. am captured by some invisible hold

Curious and unsure of what to do with you

My heat rises and I become some kind of…

defenseless animal- removed from every part of my mind.

You watch and know and smile with delight,

my twirling hair, my pink cheeks, my crisscrossing legs, and long fingers…

Fidgeting with my mouth as I get more and more nervous

Drinking wine to calm myself and growing more irrational

What are these words? I hardly know them.

Who is this fidgeting body, soaring inside,

like a fighter jet spinning out of control.

All I see is you.

Your dark eyes, your strong kind face… so handsome.

I could paint you right now.

It wold be the most attractive painting….

I would use warm tones like oak and redwood

Gold for the light…. all the light around you….

gold breasted nymphs leaning in for a caress…

such is the light around you.

Seeking out all the parts of you that rest in the shadows.

What are those shadows to you?

Nothing, everything…..

I am touching you. Are you touching me?